Last night was probably Nate's last night sleeping with a pacifier. This evening...he was playing hide and seek with Daddy with his very last one (which we've been reminding him for weeks...this is the last one...no more money to buy passy's...he would reply..."need money"). Nate asked "daddy need passy-fire?". I said, "No, big boys don't need passy's". He said, "big boys don' need passy". I thought, yeah...if we repeat this for a few days that idea might stick! After playing with all of us, wrestling, hiding the passy...then finding it "ther-ut-iz"....he was biting on it and said, "hum...it boke...gabage" and he proceded to throw his very last passy in the garbage. At bed time...I thought , oh no, this is going to be a long night! But, he was fine and went to bed without crying....said "big boys don' need passy-fire". Next, if we can just convince him big boys don't wear diapers....
Nothing really prepares you for this level of change. There are days it feels as if a part of my heart has been ripped from my chest. I am walking around wounded, unwhole, and incomplete. There are moments that my breath is taken and the sobbing begins before the second hand has time to move. In the post office mailing care packages, standing in the checkout line buying Halloween candy, when a song comes on Pandora that she would have belted out singing, when I spot the dusty piano, when I realize this is the first sports season, ever, that she wasn’t there to see her brother score a goal, when I walk by her bedroom and see all the bits and pieces of the life she left behind, as I plan our first ever big family trip without her, as I think about navigating the holidays and know they will be different from now on. There are days I just want to go back to the moment she was born and do every single second over again, but I’m quickly reminded that’s not the way this works. There ...
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