Tuesday, January 29, 2008

"Rocka' Minit"

Three months ago, his language consisted of "ont Moma"...Dada...Memie (emily)...."jus" (juice)..."ont mor" (want more) ..."fir tuck" (fire truck). A synaptic explosion occured in his little two year old brain and he's now speaking in complete sentences, carrying on conversations and for the most part actually being a productive member of the family. With the language explosion came a shift in my perception of his place and position...he's quickly trading in being my baby for becoming my thinking, feeling little boy. This squeezes my heart in some strange places. Although, I will rejoice when we graduate from pampers to spider man underwear, I know that moment of changing the last diaper will come and go without much fanfare. It will occur quietly in the shadows while our focus is diverted to the celebration of the new skill. Out with the old and in with the new.
At Christmas, to make room for the tree, we moved the glider rocking chair back into his bedroom from it's long time home in the living room. He suddenly started asking to be rocked before naps and bedtime. And, since he hears it often in response to his requests, he asked for only a minute. "Momma, rocka' minit?" For a few sweet moments, I get to give in to his request, rocking and singing to him once again not thinking about the moment that he will ask for the last time...but, clinging just for a "minit" to the baby he's quickly unbecoming...

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Random Thoughts

Lots of thoughts are running through my mind, quicker than I can capture them
· Are we moving? House hunting…dreaming of possibilities…sucker punched by the grief of leaving while in the middle of a completely unrelated conversation…fledgling friendships we may never get the chance to explore…packing boxes becoming a part of my backdrop once again…
· The long awaited sounds of building coming from the back yard, a deck going up after months of waiting…
· Getting out of debt…why? Obedience? Why is that call so loudly on our hearts? Is it really possible? What sort of ministry opportunities will that bring? Will it mean mission trips? Or the worst possible scenario...Full time service in some sort of tribal country? Big poisonous spiders? No coffee? Church planting? UUGGHH! What comforts will I have to give up? What suffering will come? What augmentation of my faith will be experienced? How will I be drawn nearer to Him?
· Sitting in the middle of the MOPS meeting today, listening to the buzz of conversations…relationships being built…barriers being broken…surfaces being scratched.
· Busyness that results in giving to others…a meal to a family with a new baby… service in the midst of a chaotic day
· waiting…on hold…
· A pregnant eighteen year old family member…how to feel? What to do? How do I show her love? Especially, when my heart breaks as the family cycle continues and another generation knows pain?
· Failure to lead well…women and relationships affected because of my shortcomings…

to sleep to awaken to another day...another chance...

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Jouney to blogging

Who would have thought… me… as computer illiterate as you can possibly be and still functioning in the 2000's…blogging?!? As I've been checking out some other awesome blogs…I hear myself saying over and over…"How did they do that? That's COOL!"…I recently heard "someone" use the term "blog envy" and I'm pretty sure that describes the feelings I'm having. Sure, I can send an email, create a simple document, surf the web, even do some simple desktop publishing but, that's about it. I still don't really know the speed of our modem...oh, wait a minute, I don't think we have a modem anymore; maybe we have...uhm, something else. I sure don't know anything about HTLM or website creation…

I don't really know how much memory this little machine has…I just know when I saved too many pictures, (oh yeah, jpegs) I start getting messages from the little man inside that I'm running out of storage space…not sure what to do about it, he says to delete some of my unimportant stuff…well, it's all important or I wouldn't have saved it!

Anyway, I've always been a writer (defined simply by being one who writes), at least since I asked for and received my first diary when I was eight. Ahem, I've had a couple works published...if you count the local newspaper for a poetry contest I entered (after quite a bit of encouragement from a teacher), and our high school annual. I've written short stories, longer stories, and volumes of prose filled with teen angst as well as attempts to contain some of my more spiritual moments. I've dealt with many a perceived tribulation, defeated villains, planned for the future, dissected the past, worked out anger and heartbreak with pen, paper and solitude. I've even occasionally chronicled the joyous occasions, attempting to record the highest of highs with words that usually fall short. I've typically thought of writing as cheap therapy...me communicating with me…pondering, prayers to my God, moments of quiet that give birth to actually hearing from the Holy Spirit…in my darkest moments, giving thoughts too risky to be shared out loud a voice…essays on life, love, joy and pain to be placed in journals, a record of my journey to be kept tightly to my chest and reviewed if life happens to require a recall of details and events…but rarely to be shared with anyone else. Throughout the years of our marriage, I have shared some of my writing with my husband, Joe. He has continued to harass me to write a novel, thinking that this would add to the income of our family and "keep him in a manner he could become accustomed to". Although, I usually scoff at him; I often think I do have a novel inside me somewhere…but not yet. I think God might be using my journey and life experiences to give me ideas for that possibility…one day.

Writing began to become public activity for me after children began to take over most of our energy and an unbalanced amount of our (excuse me, "my") focus. I regularly sent family updates and photos by email to everyone who might have interest in our life, supporting and loving us. This grew exponentially when my nephew, Samuel, was born in 2004. Sam is a beautiful little black-haired, brown-eyed boy with Down's syndrome and has many complications that go along with that syndrome. I began sending updates, specific prayer requests as well as just information to our family and friends. This led me to creating a blog for Sam on a website, Caringbridge.com specifically for families with long term illnesses. It was really simple and easy and was fun to keep up to date.

I found myself wishing I could do that sort of thing for our family as well. Joe even joked one night about my obsession…our family computer/email/organizing photos… "Are you blogging?"

At that time I wasn't and didn't have a clue how to go about doing it…then I got a new laptop computer for Christmas and signed up for a new Gmail account which then offered me a link to blogspot.com…hum, what was this and could it be easy?

A few weeks passed not being sure about all that, then I discovered a friend's blog…and another friend's…and another friend…and I joined the club! And although it could use a great deal of tweaking…I have a blog.

I'm not sure where all this will lead, but, my hope is that it leads to some creative writing exercises…improving my skill…some accountability that I'm writing from my mentors Bee and Sonderella (Joe loves your blog's name by the way!).

Writing has always offered a window into my soul and as life's disappointments have piled up, I've realized (thanks to The Sacred Romance) that instead of embracing the thing that made my heart soft and pliable…I've gotten too busy to write. In those busy moments, it has been easier for my heart to drift away from my True Love…easier to stop dreaming…easier to get closed off from relationships and truly loving others…

So I start back on a journey to having a heart that's open to possibilities…

Friday, January 4, 2008


It's hard to believe another year is here...I'm thinking about resolutions, but haven't come up with good ones yet and always struggle with stating them as measurable and definable (blah, blah). What do I really want to accomplish this year? What do I want to make a priority? I'm excited about 2008...the possibilities, where the journey will take us, that there's a remote chance for growth.

Yesterday was our 17th wedding anniversary. I watched our wedding video and probably for the first time, shared it with our six year old daughter. She asked lots of questions about who was who and why we were doing what we were doing. She said my dress was pretty and that she liked the flowers in my hair. She wanted to know who was doing the videotaping and if it was grandma's church where we were getting married.

It was hard to remember the emotions of that moment. There was a time when I would watch the video and just cry...my momma died six months after we were married and watching that tape always gives me a very visual reminder of her. What a blessing to have a vivid picture and the sound of her voice, her mannerisms recorded. But, as usual with memories, along with the good ones comes the bad...there was a bit o f sadness associated with our wedding day. Due to a set of circumstances that seemed out of our control, we only gave some of our immediate family a chance to attend the ceremony. We essentially eloped with a ceremony at our church with our pastor and about 15 of our family and my closest friend there.

Ahh, regrets. Hum...a resolution for 2008...to let go of the remnants of guilt and regret in my heart...definable? Measurable? Think not... Worth Pursuit? Definitely!