I don't know exactly why I'm in a funk...it makes no sense. There are a thousand possible reasons why, yet no single one I can tighten my fingers around. I always get sad and miss my momma, really all my family-.of-origin, on my birthday...when changes are sensed I long to run for the Hills (the TN hills)
I start thinking about all the people who've come into (and some ultimately out of) my life...the bittersweetness of those friendships...those times...I get sentimental and feel urgency in letting everyone know what they've meant in my life. Abandonment has been a big theme that God has used over and over again in my life...the reality of being abandoned by those in life who should love the most...the fear of the possiblility of it...the acceptance that I may be abandoned by everyone but Him.
I AM kinda tired, been staying up too late and running too much. The van needs tires...we need to decide about a smaller car Joe has looked at for better gas mileage...I need to return the overdue library books...the girl is already starting to ask what we can do for her birthday...spring cleaning (actually just general cleaning)...stitches that need to be taken out...an overdue visit to TN...my to do list is longer than my it's done list. Maybe my iron's low...or my Vitamin D...or my seritonin...or maybe my heart is just not in the right place.
I am grasping for a heart attitude of joy...thankfulness for the fullness of life...blessings too many to count...the kind of joy that comes in the morning with the calmness of clouds clearing and a gentle breeze...made more poignant by the deep turbulence of a stormy sorrow filled night.
Last week brought a ton of adventure...busyness beyond measure...sweet moments...an anxiety filled car ride, unsure what I would find at the end of the drive, and relief when after a few hours in the emergency room all was well. The girl got brackets and wires on her four front teeth...purple, pink and green...they're quite cute. My babies are growing, just like expected and I'm thankful they are healthy and for the most part obedient and fun to be around. I'm blessed that our struggles are minimal for now. I have a husband who has found his calling and is at peace and excited about the future. He has started to live...again. He is not just going through the motions, when he tells me how much he appreciates all I do...I feel it in my bones. We are not keeping score...and are truly trying to serve each other...makes for one of the best places we've ever been during our marraige.
I like being in my thirties....being of child bearing age...being able to check the age range box of 30-39 on a survey...not worrying about retnols for my skin and hormone replacement...cholesterol levels...and if that gas pain could be my heart...wrinkle cream still being for later...not thinking did I get enough fiber today...and why is that inch long hair growing out of the side of my face? AND IS THAT HAIR ON MY CHIN????
Turning fourty, I'm just not sure about yet. My vision of what I think it will be like is just not clear and as hard as I squint, I cannot convince myself that I have what it takes to run the race. In the next decade of my life I will be parenting teenagers... as they begin driving, visit colleges, encountering relationships with others independent of me doing a background check...they will become independent and individualistic...and they probably won't want to snuggle or talk to me all the time, maybe not even at all..and they'll be gone from home more than they're here. It's not that I dread that time of life, it's just different...a change...
We had a pastor who would wisely say that " growth comes through change (good or bad) and change brings conflict". I think the tangible changes made in our life over the last few months are being made very real in the form of a number...a new decade...new paths...new ministry opportunities...new ways that God is going to stretch and grow me and there'll be some conflict. ...it's all just a big part of the "unknown" of being in my fourties.